To whom it may concern: the rambling and ranting edition

Dear Mr. Brad Paisley:
I live in Music City, USA, but I’m not what you would call a huge fan of country music. At least modern country music. Unless, my dear, when it comes to you. I think you’re great. I think you’re hilarious. I think that you would be absolutely so much fun to hang out with. I think that your song “Then” and “No” on your album that I just bought are great. I think it’s wonderful the way you love your wife and kids. I think I might even have a slight crush on you, but that’s beside the point. You’re awesome, and your songs generally help put me in a better mood. So keep up the good work!
A devoted fan but NOT a stalker in Nashville


Dear shirtless man on the balcony of your high rise condo in downtown Nashville:
PUT A SHIRT ON! I don’t care what you’re doing—drinking coffee, taking in the day, gazing toward the “beautiful” Cumberland—you can do it with a shirt on.
Just saying that I really didn’t need to see that.
Trying to recover my sight at work,


Dear Discovery Health Channel:
I don’t know why, but I’ve sort of become obsessed with you. I mean “Mystery Diagnosis” is great. I completely get sucked in, then am simultaneously grossed out and intrigued by the mysterious ailments and conditions these people have. (Also, I hope to never have any of these things, God willing!) “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” is also a pretty interesting show, except that it’s DISTURBING! But still, I can’t rip my eyes away when I happen to see that it’s on. I mean, how do these women not realize they’re pregnant? But, if you could, please, please, please warn viewers a lot if the baby is going to be delivered on the toilet. I can’t stand the pics or vague visuals you use that suggest a baby is floating in the toilet. PLEASE! But last night, my love/obsession/unhealthy fixation with your channel took a disturbing new turn when I was watching “Vanished Twins.” At first, I thought this would be about “twinless twins” for some reason. (Elvis Presley was a twinless twin and that’s primarily a theory about the psychological effects of being a twin when your twin is stillborn. I did a paper on this in high school, seeing that it’s thought my mother had a miscarriage while pregnant with my brother and me.) Anyway, this was NOT about that, but a grosser, more freaky thing that happens in utereo when one fetus absorbs the other. I couldn’t rip my eyes away even though I was highly disturbed. So, I’m sorry, Discovery Health. I may have to take a few steps back. Because while you’re incredibly interesting, you also freak me out a bit.
Promising it’s me, not you,


Dear Powers that Be:
I understand the desire to be good stewards of our corporation’s money. I understand not being wasteful and frankly, I’ve been doing recycling/reusing in my office since before you told me to. Recently, though, I took something new upon myself: buying all my office supplies I use to do my job. It’s just, well, easier. Why? Because you made me feel guilty for asking for pens or paper or a desk calendar. Because paper clips are now under lock and key and I can only have as many as I’ll need for whatever task. Well, let me tell you this: when I’m doing contracts, I need ALOT of paper clips. Two months of contracts and I’ve used a box of paper clips. I’m not complaining, because I understand that we’re trying to keep fixed costs under control and I do think we should be careful with the way we spend the company’s money, even held accountable. But I think we may have gone just slightly overboard.
Trying to keep everything in perspective on the 4th floor


Dear Bongo Java:
I used to buy your Mystic Brew roast from Plumgood Foods when they were in business. But now they’re gone and I haven’t really bought your coffee beans since. I’ve been on this wild ride of trying lots of different kinds of roasts and brands, and let me just say this: nothing compares to you. NOTHING! (I sort of want to sing you a Sinead O’Connor song at this point, but I’m refraining). So, I’m planning to get back on the Bongo Java bandwagon and buy some Mystic Brew! I’ll see you at Fido or online. Until then, know that I have never forgotten you.
Smitten in South Nashville


3 thoughts on “To whom it may concern: the rambling and ranting edition”

  1. Well, well, someone has a new look.

    Michelle and I went through some different coffees for our office. We quickly returned to our beloved Starbucks Sumatra.

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