Dear Jaguar driver on Blackman Road:
First let me point out the obvious: you drive a Jag. A Jag. I had hoped, when you turned out in front of me, that this fact meant you knew how to handle such a piece of machinery. You do not. One of the cardinal rules of driving is to drive a constant speed. You, obviously, have not mastered this skill. And when you don’t drive a constant speed on a two lane road when someone behind you might be running a tad late for work, you make them angry. There’s all the speeding up and slowing down and hoping that the next time you do it will be the last. My advice: learn to drive a constant speed. Because your lack of driving prowess made me a little angry this morning, after I had just prayed to have patience with others. I was even in a pretty good mood, given that I’m wearing my guitar shirt, which generally makes me happy. After driving behind you for awhile, even Marc Broussard on the radio couldn’t make me happy. (In your defense, it was that song of his that sort of makes me want to shoot myself in the head.)
Your friend who is capable of driving a constant speed,
Dear whoever put me on so many PR lists:
You stink! Really, I think you are somewhere great laughing your head off while I’m receiving pitches about books about angels who like chocolate, psychic jewelry and dog psychics, not to mention ads about saving manatees, that while I understand and even sort of support the cause, are really laughable. Then, I got the email yesterday about 5 dates for under $5. While I appreciate your dedication to helping us through a tight economy, $5? Really?
I’m just saying,
Dear writer of previously mentioned email re: 5 dates for under $5,
I like your idea. I really do. I just don’t know if the idea actually became reality in the finished product. And just to guide future pitches, the magazine is for teenagers. Meaning 18 and under. A bar is probably not the best suggestion for a date. The sledding thing is OK, I guess, but a little lame, particularly for those of us who really don’t get that much snow. And trying to fit two people on a saucer (if it’s an actual saucer) is dumb. Not so much if it’s a sledding saucer thingy. And learn about appropriate and correct usage of apostrophes and possessives. If you want to make the word cocoa plural, you just add an s. Basically, all of your ideas could be fun. . . .for married people or people who have been dating for awhile. Not for teens. And not for me. I’d like to think that even in this economy, someone, somewhere was willing to spend more than $5 on me.
Hoping I’m not high-maintenance,
I have a lot going on in my life this week. There’s rehearsals that last hours, a get-together that I have to bake for, performances at church, another thing I have to bake for, food I have to provide for Life Group on Sunday morning, and presents I have to get. I’ve been planning to make and bring cookies for our day of feasting since, oh, well, FOREVER. And I’ve already made them. So if you want me to bring something else, it would have behooved you to tell me before today. Because Baby ain’t got no more time and she’s not staying up late nights to cook. So if you’re overloaded on cookies on Friday, tough, well, cookies. It’s what I’m bringing.
Over and out,